Beatrice and Benedick

Classical German philosophy was one of those academic topics that no one really wanted to study, but had to in order to satisfy a graduation requirement. It was a dry topic that had too many layers for any normal person to fathom. What made the topic so awful to understand in particular were the works of one dilapidated old man: Gerog Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel. Much of his ramblings made up this important point in philosophical history, meaning it was the only person any severely underpaid adjunct would even bother to teach about. It was hell for anyone to take a course like this.

Even so, that wasn't really the case with Byoudouin Houou, the former nationally-ranked Japanese U-17 tennis player. He was one of the very few people who liked Hegel's thinkings and studied them intently. Sloughing his way through the first two years of his philosophy degree, he was finally ready to start studying something he cared about. The senior-level courses were also bound to have people who could actually keep an argument with him instead of no one ever daring to challenge him. He could just picture how perfect the semester was going to be.

It was just a terrible shame that his dreams were crushed the instant he opened the door to the lecture hall.

For a class that could have a hundred students, the lecture hall was nothing more than a classroom with desks that could seat less than half of the max enrollment. Even more discouraging was that only a third of the seats in the room were occupied. Byoudouin immediately recognized every single person in the room, having spent the last two years taking the same courses as them. He cursed under his breath as he laid his eyes upon one student in particular— .

If there was one person who could leave Byoudouin speechless, it was this third year biology major. Byoudouin had the unfortunate mispleasure of pissing them off with his usual brutish mannerisms and neither of them had been on good terms since. To make matters worse for him, had a way with words and would always come out on top in the arguments they would be forced to have during their shared philosophy classes. It irked him to no end that someone who wasn't even a pure philosophy major was more eloquent than him.

"Well, it seems like they let the rats out of the sewers," came 's snide comments as Byoudouin took a seat near them. "Aren't you awfully late?"

"Class doesn't start for another five minutes, ," Byoudouin reminded them. "I thought you science types didn't have to take senior level credits in the arts."

"And I thought you arts types didn't need to take such an intellectually-challenging course," was their sharp retort.

"Hah! Hegel being challenging? I'd like to see that."

"I wonder why you still talk when nobody is listening," they commented.

"Et tu, my Lady Disdain."

"How can I not ignore you when your voice is shattering my eardrums with every syllable that comes out of your mouth?"

"If they're shattered, then you'd never be able to have this conversation," he pointed out.

For once, stopped their battle of wits, but that was only because the professor had entered the hall. Byoudouin basked in the slight satisfaction of getting the last laugh, but it paled in comparison to actually saying something to shut them up for good.

Class was the bog standard laissez-faire syllabus-reading that one would often get during their first week back. Nothing important was discussed and the professor ended class early since they didn't want to teach any new material on the first day. Byoudouin wondered why he even bothered to show up as he made his way out of the lecture hall. He almost tripped and fell over just as he took one step out of the door. had a devious grin on their face.

"Careful where you're walking, Houou-kun," they taunted. "We wouldn't want the brilliant tennis team captain injured, now would we?"

"I'd be careful about my word choice here, little kid," he spat. "Isn't it nap time?"

"As a matter of fact, it is," they declared. "The thought of talking to you any longer is putting me into an eternal slumber that I may never wake from."

"I hope Prince Charming never comes to wake you up, then."

They snorted. "As if I need a man to do something as simple as that."

"What man would ever come to your aid?" he laughed. "With a tongue as sharp as yours, no one would dare risk having their face scratched off."

"If they looked as ugly as you, a good scratching would do them some good," asserted.

"Aw, was that a compliment? You truly flatter me, ."

"If it makes your ape brain happy to perceive it as a compliment, then continue to do so," they sighed. "Just look at you trying to weasel your way out of a battle you can't win. Such a shame."

"Hah! I'm not running away from anything."

let out a yawn before they started to exit stage left. "It seems like you're out of steam. Farewell, Houou-kun."

"Tch." Byoudouin felt annoyed that he was being brushed off like this. "We'll fucking see about that, ."

had met up with their study group in the life science building to get started on reviewing material from the last academic year. What was a vain attempt to get refreshed and ahead of the curb quickly spiraled into campus drama gossip. It was inevitable, considering

's friends—, , and —found themselves in the wrong place at the right time to hear all the wild things that happen.

"You guys are so lucky you're not working with Professor Takeda," started off. "The postdoc in his lab just exposed him lying to secure grant funding for his research."

"No way," scoffed. "I always hated him for being an arrogant ass, but there's no way he'd do something as stupid as that."

"I refuse to believe this until I see the paper retractions," stated. "Do you know which project it was?"

"The orphan drug for mesothelioma," clarified. "It was scheduled for clinicals in America next week, but I heard the plug's being pulled now."

"That's rough," lamented. "Especially after that huge clinical trial scandal that happened? He still chose to lie?"

"I'm telling you, the guy's got no integrity," huffed. "I just feel bad for Yuzuru-senpai. His PhD is now up in the air."

"Yuzuru-senpai is smart, and I'm sure the department has some kind of safety net," remarked. "Unlike Professor Shirogane. Did you hear about what happened to her?"

"Oh, don't tell me the rumours were true," pleaded.

"What rumours?" raised an eyebrow.

"Professor Ishida proposed to her, but she rejected him. Now, the nutjob's hellbent on ruining her career," revealed.

"Ugh, men are the fucking worst," spat. "No offense, and ."

"No, I agree," nodded. "Men are shit."

"Speaking of men," interjected, "what's going on with that Byoudouin person you've been pissed off about in the group chat, ?"

"Please do not remind me," groaned. "I need to start the reflection assignment for that course, too..."

"We're not talking about the same Byoudouin, right?" asked. "Tall, blonde hair, gnarly beard, looks like he never showers and wants to murder someone?"

"That's exactly who I'm talking about," confirmed. "How do you know him, ?"

looked offended. "Same tennis team? Hello?"

"I'll pray for your soul," she wept. "Are you sure you don't like him, ? He seems like your type."

almost choked on their tongue. "My type, ? I can feel the feminism leave my body at the mere thought of being around him."

"He does mumble about you a lot during team practices," mentioned. "Something about 'getting even'? I think he's got tunnel vision for you."

"How foolish of him," smirked. "He can try, but he'll never win."

"I still don't know why you bothered to take a senior year philosophy course," brought up. "Are you insane?"

"'s crazy, but that's why we love them," declared. "But, this Byoudouin guy sounds like he's obsessed with you. Maybe he really does like you."

"The day he confesses will be the day I die," asserted. "It's just simply not possible for an ape like him to possess any ounce of rationalism."

"Okay, now you're just insulting primates in general," pointed out. "They're very smart creatures compared to Byoudouin-san."

Elsewhere on campus, the same ape was busy fussing over the various reflections he had to write for his courses. He had let his own nerve get stepped on earlier, which didn't help him in the slightest. To make things even more difficult, Byoudouin's so-called friends decided to pay him a visit.

"How's it hanging, boss man?" Tanegashima laughed. "You're looking a little more angry than yesterday."

"Are you trying to die?" Oomagari asked him.

"Shuu-san never knows when to stop," Irie chuckled. "But he does have a point."

"Why the fuck are you all here?" Byoudouin demanded to know. "None of you even go to this school."

"Actually, I do," Irie corrected. "You just haven't seen me because I've been busy."

"Your school's got an open campus policy and it's our civic duty as students from other schools to come and steal study spots away from the people who pay for them in the first place," Tanegashima nodded as he took the seat across from his former boss. "Sit down, Ryuuji! These chairs are really nice."

"Gimme a break," he groaned. "You said we were getting lunch, Shuuji. I don't see anywhere that serves food."

"Oh, just be patient, Ryuuji," Tanegashima brushed off. "We'll go after I hear more about boss man's love troubles."

A vein popped in Byoudouin's head. "You really chose death today, didn't you?"

"Maybe killing Shuu-san in broad daylight on a university campus isn't the best idea," Irie pointed out. "There are much better places where you can kill him and get away with it."

Oomagari let out a long sigh. "This isn't about that person you keep talking about, is it?"

Byoudouin slammed his fist down on the tabletop. "Enough!"

"I think they like you, boss man," Tanegashima teased. "They're just waaaaaaaay too shy to tell you. Make a move!"

Byoudouin's thousand yard stare was beginning to freak out Oomagari, but Tanegashima remained unfazed.

"You bastard..."

"Chai! What do you have to lose? They seem into you."

"Are you talking about ?" Irie asked.

He knew who this person was and decided it would be a fantastic idea to mess with Byoudouin via them.

"Come to think of it, I have heard them talking about you a lot, but I can't imagine why."

Byoudouin was now giving Irie the stink eye. "And what is that supposed to mean...?"

The glasses-wearing man began sweating profusely. "W-well, you're not exactly..."

"I knew it! They're into you," Tanegashima teased.

Oomagari slammed his head onto the table. "I can't take this any longer... I need food..."

"So impatient, Ryuuji," his boyfriend huffed. "Well, ready to go, Kanata?"

Irie nodded. "Care to join us, Byoudouin-kun?"

"Fuck off," was his annoyed response.

"Okie dokie, let's go! See ya, boss man!"

Just as his friends were out of his vision, Byoudouin fished out a bottle of ibuprofen and took a few pills dry in a vain attempt to soothe his headache.

Despite him being a medicine major, Irie and shared a few classes together. This year was no different, as they both had to sit through a course on epidemiology. The course was going to be painful, but they at least found solace in the fact that they were paired up for the lab portion of the course.

"I look forward to a smooth semester with you, -san," Irie smiled.

"Likewise, Irie-san," reciprocated. "How has med school been treating you so far?"

"It's a bit stale," he admitted. "Clinical work doesn't start for another two years and I'm itching to get started. How about you?"

"I do not envy you or your six year undergrad," they chuckled. "The semester's been quite interesting so far. Can't complain too much."

"But, there is something you want to complain about, right?"

"Maybe, but I can't trouble you with that, Irie-san. It's just about my philosophy class, so it's really not a huge deal."

This topic caught his attention. "Oh? Which one are you taking? I thought we didn't have to do another arts credit this year."

"I'm minoring in it, so I'm taking a course on German philosophy," they explained. "I honestly thought I could avoid one student in particular by taking the course now, but it seems like it was written into the stars that we'd end up in the same class again."

"And who's the unfortunate soul, -san?"

"I doubt you know of him. Byoudouin Houou I think was his name? A very dull fool, if you ask me."

Of course I know who he is. We played on the same team for years, Irie thought to himself. "Pray tell. I am all ears."

laughed. "He's just this greasy-looking idiot who always tries his hardest to outdo me in debates. It's unfortunate that he brings up some good points, but fails miserably on the delivery."

"Hm, perhaps I should tell him if I ever have the honour of meeting him," Irie lied.

"Maybe he'll actually listen to you if it comes from another man," snorted. "If you ever cross paths with this fool, try not to hurt his feelings too much. He seems like the fragile type."

"Duly noted," he smirked.

But after their class had ended, Irie decided to call up Tanegashima to tell him everything. It didn't even take more than one ring before the flirtatious man on the other end answered.

"Yo, Kanata! I hope you have more news about our boss man," echoed the familiar accent.

"As a matter of fact, I do," Irie smirked. "You won't believe who I just got partnered up with for my immunology lab this semester."

"The boss?!"

"Even better— ."

"Nice! Now what?"

Irie laughed. "Here's what I've been thinking..."

A month had passed and midterm season had arrived violently, mercilessly destroying the GPAs of everyone it could get a hold of. The only real chance anyone had to get through the season with their grades intact was to cram nonstop. It was the same case for and their crew, who had all just barely escaped advanced biochemistry with a passing grade.

"I can't believe the class average was that bad," mumbled. "Professor Aida made that test stupidly difficult."

"C's get degrees," sighed. "Maybe it's time to quit the team. There's no way I can commit to the practice schedule and keep my grades high enough to maintain my scholarship."

"The test was bad, but remember that we still have another 65 percent of the course left to do," reminded all of them. "It's still salvageable."

"Says the person who actually did fine," was 's envy-driven remark. "Still, you do have a good point, ."

"When have I never had a good point, ?" they asked in retaliation.

"I'm starting to regret convincing you to pursue that philosophy minor," groaned. "Do you have a midterm for that course, too?"

"No, but I really should finish up my essay for it," they realized. "Regroup for evolution tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I need a break," nodded. "You still owe me an ice cream, ."

"Fine, we'll go to that damn shop you want to try. Are you coming, ? ?"

"I need to go see if the library has the book I need to finish my essay," explained as they started heading in the opposite direction. "I'll catch up with you all tomorrow—and I'll bring the evolution text."

"We better not catch you sleeping in there again," teased. "Good luck!"

Once made their way to the soul-draining building, they wasted no time climbing up the stairs to the fourth floor, where all of the philosophy books were. Just as they began rummaging through the Hegel section, the last person they wanted to see had also arrived.

"You," was the single, rude word that came out of Byoudouin's mouth.

"Little busy right now," said without looking away from the shelves. "Where is it..."

Byoudouin slowly approached them with a book in his hand. He held the hardcover out in front of 's face for them to see.

"It's this one, right?" he asked.

just gave him a blank stare before taking the book from his hand. "Thanks?"

"Don't mention it," he mumbled as he took a few books from the top shelf. "See you around."

"Hold on," stopped him, "how did you know I was looking for this?"

"Everyone in the class is," he explained. "Thought you were as well."

Why on earth is this fool being nice to me? they wondered. "I see."

Byoudouin just nodded silently before leaving with his stack of books, leaving the biology major to stand there in confusion as they continued to browse. As they scanned through the book spines, 's ears picked up on a conversation happening around them that sounded interesting.

"...it really is like Byoudouin-kun to do that," one gentle-sounding voice said.

"He could never really admit how he feels, huh?" another playful-sounding voice responded. "Going out of his way to do something nice for someone is totally his love language."

"We're not getting involved. Just simply observing and commentating."

"Always mumbling about this person. I hope they reject him gently."

Am I hearing this right? That obnoxious idiot likes me? thought to themself.

"You guys are talking too friggin' loud. Shut up," came an annoyed third voice. "Don't get involved in his love life."

"Aw, ain't you a little interested, Ryuuji?"

"No."

"Ryuu-san is right. We shouldn't interfere."

"Don't call me that."

Eavesdropping on that conversation somehow made 's tough day slightly better. They now knew something about Byoudouin that they probably shouldn't, blissfully unaware of the fact that they had been played like a fiddle.

"How unfortunate. He has fallen for me," they mused.

As the midterm season marched forward, so too had the number of nice things Byoudouin Houou had done for . After the book at the library incident, the former U-17 captain took it upon him to do a slew of kind gestures, such as a surprise coffee in class or even holding the door open for them. They were very simple things to do and no one in their right mind would notice, but grew increasingly suspicious of them. It didn't help that Byoudouin was still able to put up a verbal fight in the classroom against them, but there was something different about his tone and delivery.

During another study session, brought up the change in behaviour from both his friend and his team captain.

"You haven't talked about Byoudouin for a while, ," he started. "Something happen?"

's head shot up from their textbook. "No? Why do you ask?"

"Well, you're always complaining about him and all and he's always mumbling something under his breath, but I haven't heard a thing from either of you in weeks."

"I don't think anything's changed?" they responded back. "Midterms have been brutal."

"I heard 's been getting coffees from your captain, ," teased. "It's adorable that you're both so in love."

"We are not," they denied. "Though, it is a shame. If I won't love him, I'm afraid no one else ever will."

"Why else would he be doing these things for you if it's not out of love?"

"I wonder as well," added. "You need to do something good for him to get even, or else he'll entrap you."

"You make it sound like he's a criminal, ..."

"No, he's right," realized. "There has to be an ulterior motive behind this. I need to get even with him now."

"And how do you plan on doing that?" asked rather sarcastically.

"I suppose I'll ask him out to lunch after class next week. What else could I possibly do?"

"Wow, so he gets a free lunch but we don't? You hurt me, ," fake-sobbed.

"Oh, please. We get lunch together every other day," they sighed. "Unless you have a brighter idea, ."

"Get him a gift!"

", , what would you rather get from a stranger: a random object or a free lunch?"

"Free lunch," both of them answered in unison.

"I rest my case," they sighed. "Now, let's finish this stupid problem set."

But later that day, 's thoughts began to wander and they struggled to write their weekly reflection on self-certainty for the class they shared with Byoudouin. There was just something about this topic that was annoying to understand, but coupled with the other stuff that was going on made it interesting to say the least. Trying to articulate that thought with their last functioning brain cell made several dots connect in 's brain—and they did not like the conclusion it came up with.

"I fell for him, didn't I?" they realized. "I'm not going to live this down..."

When that date next week eventually reared its ugly head, found it rather strange that they were slightly nervous to ask Byoudouin to lunch. Perhaps it was the thought of trying to have a conversation with the guy that always had a resting bitch face that was unnerving. Or, maybe it was just the idea of being alone with the biggest meathead on campus that made them not want to go through with it. Either way, they had to get even before it turned into anything more.

"I can't believe I am asking this, but do you care to get some lunch together, Houou-kun? I owe you for finding me that book the other day."

"Heh," he smirked. "I'd rather not cause you more pain being around me."

This confused . "If it caused me pain to ask you out, then I wouldn't have. Likewise, being around you isn't as awful as you may think it is."

"And just what are you admitting to, ?" Byoudouin asked, a sly smile on his face.

"Nothing?" they answered, even more confused. "If you're not hungry, just say so. I'll see you later."

"Hold on. I didn't say 'no,' now did I?"

"Care to make up your mind, Houou-kun? Unlike engineers, biology majors don't need to take a course on signals and noise."

"Thanks for the offer, but I'll pass," he finally answered.

"Was that really so hard to say? Seriously, men are something else," sighed.

"As if you're any better," was his snide comment.

Rather than continue this mindless conversation, decided to walk away. Waiting outside of their lecture hall was Irie and the other two campus trespassers. was about to greet him, but stopped when they started listening in on their conversation.

"...and that's why I think we shouldn't mess around with their heads anymore," Irie concluded.

"Tricking the boss man and was your idea, Kanata," Tanegashima pointed out. "Right, Ryuuji?"

"I ain't got nothing to do with this. Leave me out of it," Oomagari groaned.

"Irie-san?" called out without a second thought.

The bespectacled man turned around in shock. "-san? W-what are y-you d-doing here?" he stammered.

"I should be asking you that," they said with a hint of malice behind their tone. "What's this about tricking me? Care to elaborate?"

"Yes, you bastards. Care to elaborate?" was another voice coming from behind .

Irie felt his life flash before his eyes. Tanegashima looked like he was getting paler by the second as Oomagari walked away.

There weren't enough words in the dictionary for to properly express the level of anger and hurt they were feeling at that very moment. There was a slight burning sensation in their eyes as they just simply walked away from the whole situation. No amount of explanation could possibly undo the damage that has already happened.

"Fuck." Byoudouin ran after them without much of a second thought. ", wait."

"Get away from me," they cursed as they rubbed their eyes. "All you men are the same."

"Can I at least say my last bit before you leave?" he groaned.

"No," they answered, "and I don't owe you the time of—"

"I like you, ," he interrupted them. A faint pink tint began to decorate the apples of his cheeks.

"—day... What?"

"Are you deaf? I said that I liked you."

"You can't be serious."

"And what makes you think I'm not?"

"Because I was going to profess that I liked you, Byoudouin Houou!" they blurted out.

"Oh? So, you've fallen for my charm, I see," he grinned.

"Ugh, please don't say that," they shuddered. "You are nothing more than an endearing fool."

"If I'm a fool, what does that say about you?"

"An absolute moron in love with the biggest fool in existence."

"Hm, not bad. Has a nice ring to it," he chuckled.

"How do I know that you actually mean what you say? How do I know you're not lying about liking me?"

"Make a request," he stated. "If I have to prove it to you, I will."

"Kill Irie Kanata," was their simple answer.

Byoudouin laughed. "I already had plans to kill that lying bastard, so you can make another request."

"In that case—"

reached up and grabbed a hold of Byoudouin's shirt collar, dragging him down to their height and kissed him fiercely on the lips. The brutish man was taken aback at the sudden display of affection—though he did not mind it one bit.

"You snooze, you lose, Houou-kun," they teased.

Byoudouin couldn't help but chuckle. "Oh? Is that how you want to do this? Believe me, you haven't seen anything yet, ."

"I like to see you try, Byoudouin Houou."

The two hot-headed individuals shared yet another passionate kiss, setting aside their fury for certain individuals for later.